Quotes:
 Currently 400+ Quotes in the Library!

These quotes are not in chronological order, just the order I happened to watch them in. Enjoy, and contribute YOUR favs as well!

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Quotes



Abby has just learned that Carter told Rena they had been going out. She just told Carter that she covered for him, and didn’t tell Rena he’d lied.

Abby: Also, I told her I dumped you.
Carter: You dumped me?
Abby: Yeah.
Carter: Well did she believe you?
Abby: Of course she did, why wouldn’t she?
Carter: It’s just...you would never dump me.
Abby: I would dump you like a bad habit.
Carter: (self-assuredly) You wouldn’t dump me.
Abby: I would dump you. (they start to walk off down the hall)
Carter: I would totally dump you first.
Abby: Uh, no. I would dump you.
Carter: (trying not to sound too serious) No. Now you’re talking crazy.











Guy comes in who isn’t breathing.

Benton: Mr.Carter, this man has stopped breathing and he would appreciate if he could do so again. Please intibate him.







Carter has just asked Rena out to dinner with him.He’s in the peds place where she works, and has knocked down a plastic anatomy display.

Rena: You dropped your spleen.
Carter: Right, so is that a no?










Dr. Benton has dislocated a finger and has to watch Carter staple a stomach in a ‘cool’ opperation which neither of them has done. Dr. Hicks, chief of surgery, is watching.

Hicks: Dr. Benton, maybe you’d like to give Dr. Carter some words of wisdom for stappling his first stomach... or have you ever done one?













Carter and Harper Tracy (a new med student; her and Carter have had huge crushes on each other since the first day she arrived) are sitting across from each other, while Carter stitches a guy’s chin. They are talking about going out to dinner, but Carter says he is busy today. They sorta forget about the guy under the sheet.

Carter and Harper kiss. Carter stops suturing.
Patient: Anything wrong doc?
They stop, and Carter is grinning like an idiot.
Harper: We’ll do it soon.
Patient: Doc?
Carter: Uh no sir. Everything’s fine.










Jerry is handing out popcorn to the docs and nurses at the desk. Jerry turns on music, and he and Haleh start dancing. Carol enters.

Carol: Is the Nitrox leaking again?
Jerry: It’s Weaver’s day off.
Carol: You guys are sick.... (pauses) turn it up.










Jr High Girl: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Dave: Yeah.... when I’m not out saving the world.










Benton makes a comment to Carter about how it must be nice not to have to worry about paying off loans. This leads Jerry to find out how rich Carter’s family is, and he finds they are on the top 50 list for Chicago. Net worth is about 175 million dollars.

Maleke: Carter’s loaded?
Jerry: Yep.
Maleke: Like, millions?
Jerry: Tens of millions.
Maleke: Guy could give everyone here a mil and never miss it.
Jerry: Wish I’da been nicer to him.











Doug has been a jerk today(what else is new) and also his long-lost dad just called.

Carol: Doug, you ok?
Doug: Generally, ths has not been a good day. Specifically... this has not been a good day.














Carter and Harper are in the street talking. They both start to say something at the same time.

Carter: You go first.
Harper: No, you.
Carter pauses for a moment, then kisses her.
Harper: Do that because you couldn’t think of anything?
Carter: (casually) MmmHmm.















Carter is talking to one of the top vascular surgeons in the country, Dr. Veusalich. He’s got a spot  on his neck that he’s desperately tryin to hide.

Veusalich: I think it’s a hickey you have on your neck, Carter.
Carter: Uh, yeah, yeah.













Carol is trying to convince everyone in the ER to go upstairs and join her in caroling for recovery, with no luck.
Carol: Well, you just mouth the words. That’s what I do.
Susan: Well who sings?.....
Carol: Well I’m working on that. (Carter walks by. Carol smiles, pleasently) Carter!-
Carter: No, no, no, no. Chronic tonedeaf and acute stage fright.


















Carter is showing Susan diamond-looking earrings he bought forHarper for Christmas, asking her opinion.

Carter: You’re sure they’re not too much?
Susan: Carter. (pauses) Are you telling me?- (shocked) Are these REAL???
Carter: They’re too much. (sort of a question)
Susan: (really shocked) NO! (regaining herself) I mean, no they’re beautiful.




















Carol is alone in recovery now, caroling without any other ER docs- horribly.

Carol: On the twelth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me....uhhh....
All the other ER docs enter surprisingly and start singing.
Doug: 12 tonedeaf doctors.
Mark: 11 lords a lording.
Susan: 10 drummers drumming.
Carter: 9 something something.
Lydia: 8 maids a milking.
Maleke: 7 swans a swatting.
Harper: 6 geese a gagging.
Everyone: 5 golden rings! 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree!














Mark is on the phone with Rachel. Rachel is staying at her mom’s for the holiday, and coming to Mark’s in a couple days.

Mark: Then I’ll see you in a couple of days, and you and I are going to celebrate our biggest, most special day of the year. (pause on phone) That’s the 1st annual ‘Rachel and Dad post-Christmas, post-Hanukah, pre-New Years celebration.’















Mark’s had yet another bad experience with the legal crap and HMO’s.

Mark: Ever get the feeling that the system isn’t working?
Susan: Ah, you’re just figuring that one out?















Peter and Jeanie are at a fancy dinner party held by that big vascular surgeon.

Peter:(whispering) Jeanie.... where’s the truffle?
Jeanie: You got me. Maybe there?









Mark: Tough day guys?
Doug&Susan: Don’t ask.

a minute later....

Susan: Is there anything to eat?
Mark: I think there’s some Hagus left.
Susan: What’s that?
Mark: Don’t ask.














Carol is supposed to be watching after a barrel of worms for this patient who raises them to sell to gardening companies. She can’t find them where she left them.

Carol: What happened to those worms in radiology?
Susan: (completely serious) They’re doing a consult.
Carol: No, those EARTHworms. I put a bucket of earthworms in there and they’re gone.














A few minutes later, Carol is talking to the worm lady who wants to go now.

Carol: I have some bad news for you. Your worms were mistaken for trash, and put outside in the snow.
Lady: Oh no.
Carol: By the time I found out, they were already frozen solid. We tried to warm them with blankets and warm water. We used all our capabilitied, but we couldn’t get them back. I’m very sorry.
Lady: (Pause. heartfelt) Can I see them?












A guy who got his hand caught in a snowblower comes in with Riley, a new young paramedic.

Mark: Did he lose any fingers?
Riley: Uh, no. (holds up bag) Got ‘em right here.










Susan: Haleh, have you seen Carter?
Haleh: Is he missing again?
















It’s Doug’s birthday, and also this kid patient of his’ b-day too.

Doug: (leaning in close) Now get this. There are some brownies in the fridge, in the lounge. Now they are not birthday cake, and they are not ours. (pause) I think we should steal them.
Kid: Yeah.
Doug: Yep.












Chuny: Oh no girl, Alex and I broke up.
Nurse: What happened, I thought he was ‘the man.’
Chuny: Yeah, so did my neighbor.
Yoshi: Ouch.













A sprinkler went off in OB so all the pregnant people are in the ER. This one teenager and this other lady are in a room together. The lady is rambling on about the aliens getting her pregnant.

Teen: You’re pregnant by aliens?
Lady: It was so humiliating!
Susan: I bet.















Some peole, Susan especially, have been pointing out to Carter that he’s been really competitive lately and not interested in the patients. He’s fessing up to Harper about it.

Carter: I’ve been dishonest, I’ve been arrogant, I’ve been- jump in if you disagree.
Harper: No, you’ve been a real schmuck.












One of Mark’s patients is a tele-commercial director and she’s talking to him.

Lady: Have you ever done any film work.
Mark: Uh, no.
Lydia: You did that instrucional video last year.
Mark: Ah yes. I’m the star of  “How to intibate.”













Carter has just learned that he got the surgical residency, and he celebrates by having a bottle (or maybe two) of Champagne with Harper. He misses 7 pages, and gets back to the ER after a 3 hour lunchbreak. Susan notices that his breath smells like alchohol. Dr. Hicks asks Carter to assist on an appendectimy.
Carter guiltily goes after her.

Carter: Dr. Hicks. I better think I not- (shaking head) I think I better not.
Hicks: Why?
Carter: Well I went out to lunch to celebrate and I uh... had a little champagne.
















Mark, Doug, and Carol are in the lounge. Mark has just been rambling on about how bad his day has been and he seems to be in a really bad mood, AND he has to work tonight. Mark leaves the lounge.


Doug: You on tonight?
Carol: Uh-huh.
Doug: Go with God.















Kerry is about to leave, so she is running through the patients with Mark.

Kerry: Gang banger in a fist fight.
Mark: Fist fight? That’s quaint.




















More of Kerry running the patients with Mark.

Kerry: Calls himself Bobby Darren, claims he got a shark bite while swimming in a pool at the 4 Seasons Hotel. Waiting on Psych.



















The ER is overrun with patients, and Mark is in charge. He gathers the available staff together and is assigning them patients.

Mark: Your mission, should you chose to accept it, which you will because you have no choice, is to move these people out so that we can move these people in.













Carter is talking to Mark about his sneaking off and drinking while on call.

Carter: Can’t believe I was that stupid, sneaking off and drinking while I was on call.
Mark: I can, you’re a medical student.














Carter is trying to figure out how to get a bead out of this guy’s ear. Mark puts some super glue on a cuetip and suggests that he use that.

Carter: Super glue?
Mark: Just touch the bead, you hit the skin, you’re in trouble.
(patient moves his head)
Carter and Mark: Don’t move!














Mark is getting mad at this patient’s dog who keeps barking at him, and he tells it to shut up.

Lady: Not a dog lover, huh?
Mark: This is not a dog, this is a small furry animal suitable for being punted.

















It’s two a.m., and Mark notices all the nurses looking at the clock, then simultaneously sighing.

Mark: There a problem?
Lydia: Two o’clock....
Carol: Bars are closing...
Haleh: They’re getting in their cars...
Lydia: Going too fast...
Haleh: Swerving...
Carol: Crashing...
Haleh: Paramedics are rolling them out...
Lydia: Scooping them up...
Carol: And dropping them on our doorstep.















Mark has just told the nurses to treat the patients in the waiting room since there are so many of them.

Malik: He’s kidding right?
Chuny: Can we treat ‘em without a chart?
Haleh: How’s the hospital gonna bill them?
Lydia: Does that metal detector work?




















Carter is treating a child with his father and brother there.

Father: Jeffery fed his brother a couple of those button batteries.
Carter: You sure?
Father: Yeah, saw the second one go down myself.
Carter: Why’d you do that?
Kid: Because he likes ‘em!
Carter: He likes em.... yeah.






















Carter didn’t know he had missed his peds rotation and that he needs those credits to graduate med school. He’s running a rotation with Doug.

Doug: You’ve all met my new student, John Carter.

















Mark is talking to a man about an allergic reaction he had.

Mark: Sometimes your allergies get worse as you get older... or maybe that’s completely false.





















Dave has just met Nurse Frank, Deb's patient.

Dave: That guy’s a piece of work, huh?
Randi: And you’re not?
























Kery agrees to go with Mark’s recommendations for Susan for chief resident only if Mark agrees to go with Kery for the attending position.

Kerry: So you really think Susan Lewis would make a good chief resident?
Mark: Yes, I do. (Kery leaves)
Conni: What was that about?
Mark: I think I just sold my soul to the devil.























Mark’s ex-wife comments on how bad the food at Doc Magoo’s is.

Mark: Hospital fights to keep this place open. It’s great for business- stomach cramping, gastrointestinitus... this place is a goldmine.





















It’s Carter’s first day as an M.D., and he comes down to attend to a patient.

Lydia: Benton on the way?
Carter: No, I’m the surgical consult. (Grabs the chart and heads off toward Trauma 1)
Carol: He’ll be fine.
Lydia: God help the patients.























The whole staf (except Carter) is at a 4th of July picnic/softball game. Fireworks start going off, and they all stop to watch.

Jerry: If we’re all here, who’s at work.
Mark: (puzzled) I don’t know.
Susan: (gleeful) I don’t care!
(Cut to Carter over a patient, blood squirting all over the place)




















Carter is watching the surgical ICU, and he doesn’t know what to do with a patient. He has to make up the resident on call. (All we see is a dark room)

Doctor: It’s Carter, right?
Carter: Right, yeah.
Doctor: All right, shut up Carter and page me in half an hour.





















Carter is late, and Benton’s looking for him.

Benton: Where’s Carter?
Haleh: Do I look like his mother?




















Gant and Carter are talking in the hall.

Gant: Time for early morning humiliation?
Carter: Benton’s breakfast it is. (pause) About time, too. I was starting to feel too good about myself.















It’s Carter’s first night in charge, and the nurses have been torturing him.

Lydia: Carter have a nice night?
Conni: Ohhh yeah.
Haleh: Boy will fetch, heal over, and play dead if you ask him to.
Carter: (entering) Doughnuts! Lydia, doughnut? I bought them for the nurses.



















A neighbor wakes Carter up seeking medical advice. He asks what time it is, and she says she just got done watching live with Regis and Kathy Lee.

Carter: Betty, I’m sorry, I can’t help you. I’m late and I’m gonna die soon.
























Kerry has made a suggestion that Mark doesn’t think is such a good idea.

Kerry: You know Mark, just because it’s my suggestion doesn’t make it, by deffinition, a bad idea. (exits)
Susan: She has a way of making you feel really small, doesn’t she?





















Carol and Carter are discussing a patient who kept mumbling about ‘Thomas’.

Carol: Who do you think Thomas was?
Carter: This is gonna sound crazy but, oddly enough... I think Thomas was his dog.
Carol: Dog?
Carter: Yeah, at one point I think he thought I was Thomas. He pulled me in close, ear to his mouth and he whispered- “Kibble, Kibble, Kibble, Kibble.”
(Carol tries not to laugh)
Carter: It was oddly touching.
(Carol doesn’t say anything, but chuckles)
Carter: It WAS Carol!




















Carter tells Gant he thinks Benton is trying to get a pediatric surgery rotation. They are discussing it in the locker room.

Gant: I don’t buy it. Benton’s no Mr.Rogers.
(They round the corner, where Benton is)
Benton: It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood boys and girls.

















Mark’s patient is aroun 90 and has failure of every major organ.


Mark: If I ever get this old, I was “Do not recesitate” tatooed on my forehead.



















Carter is begging Benton to let him assist on a surgery, but Benton is pre-occupied with trying to find Dr.Keaton.

Carter: Can I assist.... Please?
Benton: Yeah whatever. Just get outta here.
Carter: Solid.



















Gant reminds Carter that he and Benton are supposed to be giving a slideshow later in the day.

Carter: Are you serious? Benton’s slides were in the fire. They’re toast! Ohhh, why couldn’t I have been home at the time? I could have smoke inhalation, I could be breathing through a nice ET Tube...

























Doug brings in a lady having a seizure, at around 2 in the morning.

Carol: Where’d you find her, Doug?
Doug: My house.
Carol: What’s her name?
Doug: I don’t know.




















Mark is mad about Doug bringing in a woman he didn’t even know at 2 am from his house.

Carol: Mark, Doug lives his own life.
Mark: Yeah that’s sorta the problem.






















Doug doesn’t want to ride on Anspaugh’s new ‘Heath Mobile.’

Doug: It’s Halloween. Every freak in the city is out there.
Jerry: Not true, half of them are in here!






















Mark is trying to get Susan to calm down and get in the helicopter even though she is afraid of flying.

Mark: Deep breath... let it out slowly.
Susan: OK (pause) My knees won’t move.























Mark is trying to get Susan to look out the helicopter window.

Mark: Susan, you should look at this.... Susan, what are you doing?
Susan: I’m hyperventhalating, leave me alone.


















Kerry is on suspension, and Luka is swamped with paperwork. Romano approaches him to give him some more assignments.

Romano: Luka! What’s that Croation for, ‘Lucky’?
Luka: (guessing) ‘Luke’...
Romano: You sure?

























Luka tells Romano that he can’t take anymore patients.

Romano: The last four letters in American are ‘I Can’. (Luka looks lost) Let me put it this way: You cover, I owe you one, You don’t, you’re fired.






















Benton and Cleo are kissing in the supply closet when Yosh enters.

Beton: Uh, we were just discussing a patient.
Yosh: I could use a good discussion myself.




















A patient of Carter’s is complaining of symptoms he clearly doesn’t have.

Carter: Pain is MU.
Patient: What’s that?
Carter: We’ll discuss that later (closes curtain) Better order a CBC, Chem 7, and a C-Spine.
Haleh: (softly) What exactly is MU?
Carter: (softly) Made Up.
Haleh: You think he’s faking?
Carter: Oh yeah.


















It’s Susan’s last day before moving to Pheonix, and she has just helpef Mark out with a patient.

Mark: Thanks Susan.
Susan: Anytime.... anytime in the next 4 hours.






















Susan has left and Mark has been depressed.

Carol: You seen Mark, is he ok?
Doug: Let me put it this way- he caled a staff meeting.
Carol: (stunned) Mark Greene? Glasses, receding hairline, broken heart?
Doug: That’s the one.
Carol: Oh man.



















Mark has been overly organized and excentric since Susan left.

Carol: What are we going to do about Mark?
Doug: Put him on a plane or have him killed.


















Dr.Keaton is approaching Carter’s car to go out to eat with him, when Benton shows up and starts praising Carter for his good work. Carter is distracted, and trying to rush Benton along quickly.

Benton: Now listen, there are stil some areas that need improvement like... focus.
Carter: (pause. Turns around) What?
Benton: (rolling eyes) Focus, Carter.
Carter: Focus...
Benton: Focus.
Carter: ...Yeah!
















Mark is getting supplies from the ER to take home with him for his dad.

David Greene: Are you stealing?
Mark: No Dad, I’m borrowing.
David: (to patient) I think he’s stealing.


















Mark is talking about how hard he is working for the tenior spot.

Chuny: Competition pretty stiff?
Mark: ‘Bout 5’4”, red hair, with a limp.


















Doris the paramedic comes running to Dave when one of his patients steals the ambulance.

Doris: That guy just stole my rig!
Dave: What guy?
Doris: That wound check guy!
Dave: That sucks.




















Carter arrives and asks Doyle what cases there are.

Carter: Hey Maggie, got anything interesting?
Maggie D: Carol dropped a clock on Weaver’s head.
Carter: Intentionally?




















Frank has just come on as the new desk clerk. The waiting room is flooded with patients.

Kerry: What are all those people doing out there?
Frank: Sick, I guess.
Kerry: Thank you for that abstute and penetrating observation, Frank!















Kerry wakes Dave up.

Kerry: Dr.Malucci, if I don’t see you standing over a patient looking compassionate and engaged in the next 30 seconds, you’re gonna spend the rest of the week doing nothing but disenpaction and yeast infections!



















Jing-Mei is worried about Carter.

Jing-Mei: You OK John?
Carter: Yeah.
Jing-Mei: You look terrible.
Carter: Thanks.


























Carter is going back and forth between two patients, asking questions.

Carter: (to lady) Any chance you’re pregant?
Guy: No, deffinately not.
Carter: Ha! I like this guy.... Not you, her!




















Benton is hallucinating coming out of surgery. He thinks he sees Carter standing over him talking.

Carter: Dr.Benton, I’m pregnant.






















Carter and some others are looking at some photos. Mark walks up.

Mark: Yikes, what is that?
Carter: It’s a picture of Benton’s appendix in a jar on my mantle.


















Mark and Doug are reminisscing about med school.

Mark: Remember when we were gonna change the world?
Doug: Nah, I was only in it for the money.



















Mark and Doug beat Carter in basktball, and insist that he now has to take an ER case of their choice. They come inside.

Jerry: (on phone) No, just leave her hair in the doll’s mouth. I’m sure the doctors will figure it out.
Mark: (to Doug) Sounds like one for you.
Doug: Or maybe for our young Jedi surgeon so recently humiliated in basketball.

















Mark and Doug are looking for the worst ER patient possible to make Carter take.

Mark: Crackhead with abdominal pain, what’d you think?
Doug: Oh yeah, Carter, yeah.






















Carter is attending to his crackhead patient, who keeps hitting on him.

Patient: Oh you’re nice... You sure you’re a surgeon?
Carter: Sometimes I wonder.

















Mark is calling to Carter for a consult on a patient.

Mark: Carter! Time to play surgeon!




















Carter has had to search a yearbook to identify a high school boy who died.

Benton: Find him?
Carter: Yeah, Steven Tierney.

(This one’s here for irony)




















Talking about the boy who died.

Carter: Member of Marching Band... Debate Club... He was sorta a nerd.. sorta like me.





















Anspaugh is mad at Carter, and he shows up late. Anspaugh asks Carter what he would recommend as a plan for a certain patient.

Carter: What’s her problem?
Anspaugh: She has fluid overload.
Carter: Well I wouldn’t give her anything to drink.

















Anspaugh is still mad at Carter,, and he keeps asking Carter over and over all these impossible questions.

Dale: What’d he eat for lunch?
Carter: Me.

















Maggie D. asks Carter why he didn’t tell on Dale for altering a chart.

Carter: Surgeons don’t rat on each other. It’s like the Marines, “All for one and one for All.”
Maggie D: That’s the Three Musketeers.
Carter: Same thing.





















Kerry is joking with Gabe about how bad his handwriting on a chart is.

Kerry: Admit it. Hey, you can’t even read that.
Gabe: Well that’s, you know, that’s for security purposes.



















Carter is showing Gabe this chemical he is using to seal a knife wound.

Carter: Check this out. It’s dermabond. We’ve been using it since January. It’s pretty nifty stuff. It’s like medical super glue.
Gabe: Yeah, the army had a version of that in the 60’s.

(The ARMY? Were you a M*A*S*H surgeon, Hawkeye... I mean, Gabe?)






















Gabe is explaining his bad handwriting to Kerry.

Gabe: You’re not supposed to be able to read a physician’s handwriting. Didn’t I teach you that in med school?






















Romano is interviewing Benton about his interest in the attending position.

Romano: Where else have you applied?
Benton: What?
Romano: Where else have you applied?
Benton: You can’t ask me that.
Romano: Ohh no, someone call the interview police!





















During Benton’s interview, Elizabeth keeps rubbing her hands together because they itch. Romano asks her what’s wrong.

Romano: Tell me you know what poison ivy looks like.
Elizabeth: ...Poison ivy.... is that in Wisconsin?
Romano: Ohh boy...















Dave walks in to Trauma 1 where Luka is pretending to recesitate a dead woman so as not to further distress her husband.

Dave: What’a we got... woah, she’s dead.
Luka: I know.
Malik: Pulsox 65.
Dave: That’s because she’s dead.























Luka tells Dave to go tell the dead woman’s husband the bad news, to start to break it to him.

Luka: Go outside and tell him that we are ding everything we can, but that his wife is very sick.
Dave: She can’t get any sicker.


















Benton is talking to Cleo about his interview earlier, while working on a patient.

Benton: (of Romano) He’s a maniacle sadist.
Patient: What’d you call me?
Benton: Not you Mr.Fletcher.
























Cleo has just lectured Benton and is now gone, leaving Benton with Mr.Fletcher.

Mr.Fletcher: She your wife?
Benton: What?... No, no, no, no, no.
Mr.Fletcher: She talk like she your wife.
Benton: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.






















Romano and Benton are talking when Romano enters the restroom. Benton stops at the door. Romano comes back out a second later.

Romano: I’m not gonna jump you, you homophobe.


























Mark: (of Anspaugh) Doug did a round at Southside. Said the guy’s a bit of a crackpot.
Kerry: Might want to consider the source of that evaluation.






















Doug is talking to Carol in the supply room, while looking for meds.

Doug: And now I am armed with my trusty decadron, and I’m gonna go out and cure the croup.




















Benton has been giving Carter an especially hard time. Carter gets back at him by telling a talkative and annoying surgical patient of Benton’s about how he can stay awake during surgery.

Carter: OH yeah, and the advantage to a local anestetic is that, while you feel no pain, you are awake.
Patient: You mean I can ask questions?
Carter: Dr.Benton encourages it.
Patient: Even in the middle of surgery?
Carter: All the way through.























Jeanie asks where all the doctors are.

Carol: Carter went home to bed. Benton’s been beating up on him pretty bad lately.
Jeanie: I’m shocked and horrified to hear that.






















Mark and Susan are headed to a meeting.

Susan: Isn’t this exciting?
Mark: Yeah, like a Jr.High assembly.
(they see Weaver approaching)
Susan: Oh, here comes the assistant principle.






















Carol is very pregnagnt, and very tired.

Carol: Morning. How’re you?
Patient: I’ve been better.
Carol: Yeah, me too.























An elderly man with multiple organ failure goes into arrest (again). His son just doesn’t want him to die. Mark can’t find his will yet to see if he’s a DNR. This case is taking up all his time.

Mark: So, Mr.Johnson’s is V-Tach.
Lydia: Paddles?
Mark: Why not.
Lydia: Charge?
Mark: You pick.
Lydia: 200?
Mark: 200 it is. Clear *shock* Next contestant. Do I hear 300?
Haleh: 300, sure.
Mark: 300 from the stunning woman in the floral scrubs. Clear *shock* I’ll see you 300, and raise you 360. Clear *shock*






















To Mark’s dismay, Mr.Johnson rebounds after being shocked several times. But he is still out cold.

Mark: Congradulations Mr.Johnson, you are the lucky winner of a brand new ventillator, at the cost of $5,000 dollars a day. And as a bonus, a chest x-ray, perfect for decorating the small, sterile hospital room where you’re going to be spending the rest of your brief, unconcious life.

























Carter is in trouble with Anspaugh for lying about a procedure so that he could get an OR. He and Gant are in the locker room talking.

Gant: You always vomit when you screw up?
Carter: Only when the chief of staff writes me up.





















Anspaugh asks Carter what he would recommend for a patient. Carter gives the incorrect response.

Anspaugh: Textook treatment for hypercalcimia...unfortunately, this patient has hyPOcalcimia, and you’ve just stopped his heart. Rest in Peace Mr.Edmanson.





















Mark tells Doug he’s decided to go to Hawaii with Susan.

Mark: I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided to be spontaneous.







Carter and Abby are discussing Alexis, Abby’s ex-husband Richard’s new girlfriend.

Abby: What kind of car do you think she’d drive?
Carter: I don’t know...A lexus? Ha! Get it? Alexis....No.









Carter and the nurses are changing a 4 year old into a hospital gown. Carter picks up a shoe.

Carter: Hey, he’s got those shoes that light up when you walk (smacks it on his palm) How do you think they do that?










Mark has been doing his compency tests after his brain tumor is removed, which everyone thinks is ridiculous.

Randi: How'd your personality test go?
Mark: I scored somwhere between serial killer and talk-show host.
Luka: I thought they were memory tests?
Mark: That was Monday.
Carter: What's next, backgammon? Spelling bee?
Mark: Swimwear competition, sudden death twister.... Who knows, maybe even a chile cookout.






















Carter is at the site of a railroad accident, where he is the only one around to amputate a man's legs, because he was a surgical intern a few years ago and Elizabeth went into labor.

Chuny: Peter, Carter's on the radio, he needs to talk to you.
Benton: Not now.
Chuny: He's preforming a double amputation by himself!
Benton: What!?!




























Romano: I can't wear my pager in the dojo.


























Elizabeth: Stop being such a nervous Nelly!
Mark: Ok one, don't call me Nelly.






















Romano doesn't think Elizabeth should work while pregnant....


Romano: You wanna be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, you have my blessing. Go forth and multiply.




























Mark: I had an uncle who was a closet ballerina.
























Carter is eating lunch with his girlfriend Rena when she starts talking about being in undergraduate school

Carter: How old are you?
Rena: 20... in September.
Carter: You're 19!!! *bangs head on table*
Rena: Yeah.... are you ok?















Carter has told Abby about Rena and how old (young) she is.

Carter: She's very mature for her age. You know, she's cool, she's fine, she's-
Abby: She's Britney Spear's little sister!




























Elizabeth and Mark discuss their wedding plans.

Mark: I'm not wearing a kilt.
Elizabeth: You'd look reeaaaallly good in a kilt.























Romano, Anspaugh, and Weaver are discussing Kim's dismisal, and Weaver says it was just because she was gay. Anspaugh tells Romano that if he got a claim that Anspaugh had been sucking people's blood, would he fire him too?

Romano: The differenece is that, to my knowledge Dr. Anspaugh, you are not actually a vampire.






















Romano is getting on Elizabeth for working while she's very pregnant.

Romano: Lizzie, I heard you're doing an ex-lap on a GSW?
Elizabeth: You heard correctly.
Romano: Think you can still reach the table?
Elizabeth: At least I can see the table.























Ella wakes Elizabeth up in the middle of the night, screaming. Elizabeth gets Mark up.

Mark: What time is it?
Elizabeth: Now!!!!





























Nurse: Have you seen Morganstern?
Doug: No.
Mark: Have you seen Susan?
Doug: Am I the hall monitor? No!

















A woman brings in her son complaining that he hears some voices, but not others.


Doug: What are some of the voices that Ozzie doesn't hear?
Lady: My mother. She says really terrible, terrible things. She thinks I'm a bad mother.
Doug: And your mother lives with you?
Lady: Ooooh no, no, no. She's dead.
Doug: But you still... hear...her?
Lady: Mmm....hmmm...
Doug: And what are some of the other voices?
Lady: My ex-husband. And Diana.
Doug: Diana?
Lady: The Princess of Whales! Does that ring a bell!?!

























Carter: I'm back.
Benton: Good. Fill out those slips and take those urine samples up to the lab.
Carter: Good to be back.

























Div advertises that it's Susan's b-day and about their relationship.

Susan: I will kill him!.... after dinner.



























Susan and Carter are talking, and Carter refers to 'Dr. Greene'

Susan: You know Carter, you can call us by our first names.
Carter: You call me Carter.
Susan: Yeah, but that's different.... somehow.


It's just the mystery that is 'Carter'. Hmmmm.....

















Carter: You know how to hot-wire a car?
Susan: Learned it from one of Chloe's boyfriends. He's in jail now. Grand-theft auto.



















Susan is concerned for Div because he is having violent mood swings.

Div: Please, I snapped at a desk clerk.
Susan: He's not a desk clerk, he's Jerry!

And the mystery that is Jerry.












Peter's mother comes in, and Carter brings her to Peter. Peter tells Carter to go away

Mrs. Benton: Carter.... you got people in Tenesse?
Carter: On my father's side.
Mrs. Benton: (to Peter) I think his people owner our people.





















Langworthy: You know what your problem is?
Benton: No but... I have a feeling you're willing to tell me.

























Benton tells Carter to treat a cross-dresser.

Benton: Ok, Carter, take her next door and sew her up.
Carter: Um. Ok.... By myself?
























An adult trauma comes in, and only Doug is around.

Lydia: Dr. Ross, we got a patient.
Doug: I'm not a grown-up doctor.
Lydia: Oh we all know that.




















Susan and Mark are putting a cast on Carter's leg while he is asleep.

Susan: Why are we doing this?
Mark: Because sticking his hand in a bucket of warm water would be juvenille.




















Susan: (of a sleeping Carter) He's kinna cute.
Mark: Really?
Susan: Yeah, he's got great eyes.... thick hair.
Mark: That was a low blow.
























A biker guy patient wonders about Carter's cast put on over his pants as a joke by Mark and Susan.

Biker: How do you change your pants?
Carter: They put it on me as a joke.... and (smacking cast with a rod) Now it's STARTING TO ITCH!!!!




















Dave is in a jammed elevator with several patients, one of whom is looking dizzy.

Dave: I said no fainting! No fainting! Hey!

























Kerry: Being a good doctor isn't just about great saves.
Dave: Oh what, I need to adopt your cheery attitude and sparkling bedside manner?


























Carter scrubs in on his first surgery. He goes over to Benton, who is opperating, and taps him on the shoulder.

Carter: Dr. Benton, where should I stand?
Benton: Well not right there.... and don't touch my shoulder!























Abby explains why she is avoiding Luka, besides the fact that they broke up.

Abby: This morning I had to go over to his appartment to get one of my sweaters and I smashed his fishtank.
Carter: Why?
Abby: Not on purpose!























Mark: Malucci is not the fisrt doctor to be caught preforming an unauthorized physical in the hospital.



























Abby and Carter have replaced Luka's broken fishtank, but one fish is dead.

Abby: Think we can recessitate him?
Carter: I think he's been down too long.

















Abby and Carter get caught by the cops while replacing Luka's fishtank. Carter is worried.

Abby: What are they going to arrest us for? Aquatic mischief?























Carter goes on his first ambulance ride, and is hanging on for dead life. Mark is causually eating a sandwhich.

Carter: They always drive this fast?
Mark: Yep.
Carter: They ever hit anybody?
Mark: All the time.
Carter: How can you eat in this???
Mark: Hungry!
























Benton sees a bloated patient.

Benton: Either A- he's bleeding out and needs to go up to the OR now, or he's about to give birth to a basketball.





















Carol goes into an exam room where the patient is laying under the sheet. 

Carol: Why are you under the sheet?
Man: Because I've been dead for the past 2 days.
Carol: But you're still suffering from persistant headaches?
Man: Oh boy, am I ever.
Carol: And what brought on these headaches?
Man: Death.























Hospice Nurse: Life goes on. Then again, sometimes it doesn't... old hospice joke.























Deb: You want to go into surgery?
Carter: Yeah, why do you say it like that?
Deb: No I mean, I think you'd be great.
Carter: Nooo, you don't You sounded surprised. I do know surprise when I hear it and you just... (to patient) she just...you just sounded surprised.



















Carol returns to the man who thinks he is dead.

Carol: How you doing Mr. Conley? Still dead?
Man: Oh yeah, very. But my head feels much better, though.
Carol: That's good.

























Susan returns to the ER after being gone 5 years. She sees Carter under a desk looking for a spider.

Susan: Funny, that's not how I remember you.
(Carter, surprised, lifts up and bangs his head, swearing)
Susan: That is.
























Carter: Jing-My.... Jing-Myna.. Jing.... Frank, what is it again?
Frank: I don't know what she calls herself!


























Carter: (while looking right at Abby) I would never touch Luka's cookies.





























Carter and Susan must deliver a baby from atop a ladder. The mom is concerned.

Mom: Don't drop my baby!
Susan: Don't worry. Dr. Carter used to be in the circus.









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